Reminder

I just got off the phone with my Dad. The conversation went like this: 

Him: Hi. 
Me: Hi, how are you?
Him: Listen, have you been writing about me? 
Me: What? What are you talking-- who is this? 
Him: Don't bullshit me. 
Me: Who told you? 
Him: The lady at the library. She reads your blog. Something about poetry. 
Me: How did she get a hold of my blog? 
Him: I don't know, she saw it on the TV or something.
Me: HAHAHA! Dad! It's not on TV! It's on the Intern---
Him: I DON'T CARE! I told you not to talk about me!! AT ALL!
Me: Ok, it was just about how you used to read us poetry as kids and how that's why we like poetry now. (I did not mention the fact that I referred to his farts as "majestic.") 
Him: I don't want you writing about me! 
Me: Dad. Seriously. This is the price you pay for having your daughter be a writer! What do you want me to say? That my father abandoned me when I was four years old and I have no recollection of my childhood? That my parents were gypsies, or that I was chained to the furnace in the root cellar as a child and don't know who my parents are?! 
Him: Any of those scenarios would do just fine. 

Again, I remind you: If you see my father out and about, DO NOT mention you read about him on the Internet (or the TV, as he likes to call it.) Some appropriate topics of conversation are:
1. Gardening  
2. World Wars I or II (or both, but be prepared to be there for a while.) 
3. The Toronto Maple Leafs (but unless you yourself are a fan as well, I would stay away from this one.)
4. Toronto (and how much you hate it) 
5. The weather (this will buy you about 3 seconds as his general response is "no use complaining about something you can't change.")

Why do I keep writing about him, you ask, if he dislikes it so much? First, I'm a terrible daughter, but also? He's the most hilarious person I know - and that really needs to be shared. He'll thank me one day when he's sitting pretty on his brand new John Deere tractor acquired through funding from my first book deal.