30 years

The way my Dad tells the story, the weather was just like it has been the past few days. The kind of cold that hurts your face, stops your breathing for a few seconds. The night was clear and crisp, the air filled with ice crystals and excitement. I came into the world on February 7, 1983, with no idea what was laid out in front of me.

Thirty years always seemed like SUCH. A. LONG. TIME. When I was little, I always pictured my 30 year-old self as a business woman in heels ("like Aunt Mary"). I pictured myself married to a man I loved very much, who was handsome and could make me laugh the way my Dad made my Mom laugh. Not the way people laugh when they're trying to be polite, but the way they laugh when something is really, really funny. When I pictured my 30 year-old self as a little girl, I always pictured myself as a mother.

Many parts of my life have turned out differently than I would have expected, as a little girl looking forward. For the past 15 years, half of my life, I have navigated the world without my Mama. This has been the biggest wrench thrown into my little girl plan. When I turned 15, my Mama baked me an angel food cake (my favourite) and let me have a glass of wine. She always made me feel so special on my birthday. Sipping my wine with Mama and Nana, I had no idea what was in store, just one week later. While I'll admit that this part has been hard, there are so many things that have gone right. So many beautiful, soul-changing, wonderful things from my little-girl fantasy have come true. 

This fall, I will marry a man I love very much, who is handsome and makes me laugh, the way my Dad made my Mom laugh. I know that someday in the not-so-distant future, I will become a mother. I may not be a business woman, but tomorrow morning I will embark on an exciting new career adventure.

Over the past 15 years, my relationship with my sister and Dad has ebbed and flowed. As a little family, we've risen and fallen, we've screamed at each other and laughed until we peed a little. In the end, the three of us have grown strong and unbreakable. Our bond has been cemented in a way that I wouldn't change for the world. My little family has given me compassion, strength, a sense of humour, honesty, drive, and has taught me never to feel sorry for myself. My family has prepared me to take on whatever is thrown at me for the next 30 years. I am ready because of them.

Sometimes I think not knowing exactly what the future holds is the greatest gift of all. Taking life as it comes, and not missing a single moment. If I had known exactly what the first 30 years of my life would turn out, there are so many little things I wouldn't have noticed.

If I could go back now and talk to my 15 year-old self, the teenage girl sipping the wine with her Mama and Nana, I would give her a big hug. I would tell her not to worry so much about finding a boyfriend, finding a career, getting 90 on her next English essay. I would tell her to hug her Mama really tight and tell her she loves her. I would tell her that life is going to be beautiful, that things are going to turn out ok. Better than ok. Things will be wonderful, I would say. I would tell her not to worry so much. 

Last night, sitting at dinner with Dame and my Dad, I felt a smile spread across my face.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Dame.

"I was just thinking that I have everything I could possibly want," I answered. 

He immediately called me out on being cheesy, but I didn't care. I still don't. That simple statement sums it up perfectly. 

The past 15 years has been quite the ride. And I'm thankful for every minute of it.