This holiday, I got to spend lots of time with my niece Mikenah. In an attempt to capture her being her usual charming, witty, hilarious self, I turned the camera on and started asking questions.
It was only when I played the video back I realized how irritating I sound. If you want to annoy your four-year-old (any-year-old, really) niece, nephew, daughter, son, brother's best friend Bob, here are some handy tips.
1. Ask LOTS of questions when the subject would CLEARLY be doing something (ANYTHING!) else. Like watching Dora. Or checking out Christmas presents under the tree. Or having eight cavities filled. SIMULTANEOUSLY.
2. Make sure the questions are really hard to answer, then keep pressing the subject for an explanation. "How does Santa fly," is a particularly good one. "What is your purpose in life," and "Why do bad things happen to good people," are acceptable too.
3. Repeat everything the subject says, in question form. For example:
Subject: Auntie Kate, you're the most irritating person I've ever met.
Auntie Kate: I'm the most irritating person you've ever MET?? COOL!
4. When the subject appears to be at the end of his/her leash, when veins are popping out of his/her head and eyes are twitching, ask said subject to sing. Preferably a Christmas song. If necessary, bribe subject with hot chocolate. Continue to ask pressing questions until subject kills you with a single look.
5. At the end of the day, when things are quiet and you've had just enough eggnog to almost put you to sleep, ask subject who her favorite Auntie is. Tell him/her she has to pick one. And be honest. He/she can't say all three. Because Auntie said so. Become pouty and sad when he/she doesn't pick you.
Just because I care so much, here's the accompanying instructional video. If you get the look I did in the last frame, you've done something right.
How to be an annoying Auntie: a tutorial from Kate McLaren on Vimeo.
How to be an annoying Auntie: a tutorial from Kate McLaren on Vimeo.
